75+ Funny Birthday Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud

“A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.” -Emo Philips

“We must both, I’m afraid, recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars—more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.” -C. S. Lewis

“For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.” -Steven Wright

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.” -Mark Twain

“Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.” -Eli Cass

“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.” -Jerry Seinfeld

“There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents, and only one for birthday presents, you know.” -Lewis Carroll

“I think all this talk about age is foolish. Every time I’m one year older, everyone else is too.” -Gloria Swanson

“Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you’re a cheese.” -Luis Bunuel

“Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?” -Bobby Kelton

“Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty.” -James Thurber

“Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

“Light bulbs on a birthday cake.
What a difference that would make!
Plug it in and make a wish,
then relax and flip a switch!
No more smoke
or waxy mess
to bother any birthday guests.
But Grampa says, “it’s not the same!
Where’s the magic?
Where’s the flame?
To get your wish without a doubt,
You need to blow some candles out!””
-Calef Brown (Birthday Lights)

“Let’s just say you may regret that second piece of cake. Oh my God. Regret cake? Whatever was about to happen must be truly evil.” -Rachel Hawkins

“You’ve heard of the three ages of man: Youth, middle age, and you’re looking wonderful.” -Francis Spellman

“Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.” -Harold Coffin

“I explained birthday cake as a spongy mattress of awesome with hidden rivers of delicious goo to celebrate having stayed alive a whole year.” -Kira Jane Buxton

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” -E. Joseph Cossman

“You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.” -Germaine Greer

“Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake. That’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.” –Tom Haverford, Parks and Recreation

“At middle age the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a cabbage.” -John Holmes

“You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself.” -Ethel Barrymore

“One bright morning in a restaurant in Chicago
as I waited for my eggs and toast,
I opened the Tribune only to discover
that I was the same age as Cheerios.

Indeed, I was a few months older than Cheerios
for today, the newspaper announced,
was the seventieth birthday of Cheerios
whereas mine had occurred earlier in the year.

Already I could hear them whispering
behind my stooped and threadbare back,
Why that dude’s older than Cheerios
the way they used to say.

Why that’s as old as the hills,
only the hills are much older than Cheerios
or any American breakfast cereal,
and more noble and enduring are the hills,
I surmised as a bar of sunlight illuminated my orange juice.”
-Billy Collins (Cheerios)

“The first fact about the celebration of birthdays is that it is a good way of affirming defiantly, and even flamboyantly, that it is a good thing to be alive.” -G.K. Chesterton

“One compensation of old age is that it excuses you from picnics.” -William Feather

“Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.” -Robert Frost

“At four-score years old age begins,
And not till then, I warn my wife;
At eighty I’ll recant my sins,
And live a staid and sober life.
But meantime let me whoop it up,
And tell the world that I’m alive:
Fill to the brim the bubbly cup –
Here’s health to
Seventy-and-five!”
-Robert William Service (Birthday)

“My policy on cake is pro having it and pro eating it.” -Boris Johnson

“Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.” -Coco Chanel

“Today you are ten.
But, with that
Sly smile and
Those knowing eyes,
You are
Going on twenty.

That sparkle in
Your blue eyes,
That false pout,
That mischievous
Laugh and
Kind spirit
Make me glad
You are
My friend.”
-Raymond A. Foss (Happy Birthday My Friend)

“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.” -Bernard M. Baruch

My best friends are the ones who turn my pity parties into birthday parties. Of course, when it is my birthday, they make it feel like a federal holiday.

Cake doesn’t have to be a lie on your birthday. The truth is, there’s no such thing as a quality party without your favorite cake for dessert! And for breakfast, lunch, dinner…

Here’s a brief list of what ages well: a crooner’s voice, a bottle of chianti, a good novel, and someone’s taste in the previous three. Happy birthday! Hope you have a day worth the new age you’re becoming.

I don’t think there’s anything more fun than balloon animals at birthday parties. Well, at least we don’t have actual bears and elephants floating around the house.

Whenever you start having doubts about your age, remember that you can do whatever you want and tell others what to do, regardless of how many candles will be on your cake this year. Sending you lots of birthday wishes and laughs.

Parties can turn pool noodles into jousting swords and living rooms into palace halls. Just give it a try; anything’s possible on birthdays, so they say. Happy birthday!

You know you’re going to have a great birthday when someone bakes you a cake as large as Uncle Buck’s birthday pancakes!

It is said that life goes by faster as you get older, but turns out that your body gets slower, too. Except on your birthday.

When you’re young, you tend to worry more about how you look. When you get older, however, you begin to worry more about how you feel. If you feel great, you’re guaranteed to look as amazing as ever. (So don’t be self-conscious about how much you party today.)

What’s great about having a birthday on a major holiday is that you can pretend millions of people are raising their glasses to you. If you’re not born on a holiday, then all the sweets are kept for yourself. Happy birthday!

“I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think there’s a little al-key-hol in this punch!” -Marge Simpson (The Simpsons)

“Everything slows down with age; except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” -John Wagner

Even if you feel as stale as days-old cake, there’s no point not to treat yourself well on your birthday. While favorite sweets might not last, human beauty is nonperishable!

Celebrate your birthday like you’re that character in a soap opera who has all the wacky ideas and crazy best friends.

Why do we have birthdays only once a year? We’re getting older every day, so why not start feeling better about ourselves and party a little while we’re at it?

Over the years, surprise parties change from friends spooking you in your living room to counting how many birthdays you’ve had in your past. The more you’ve had, the more celebrated you’ve been. Wear that with pride, happy birthday!

Happy birthday! If you have any worries about the future, save your regrets for the day after the party (even though the party doesn’t ever have to stop).

Every day, it’s somebody’s birthday. Even if you’re not invited to their party, you can still buy a cake and have a dance party in your room.

Enjoy your birthday as much as Bacchus loved his wine. Share it with friends and roll on the floor laughing all night.

The only thing that gets old is talk of getting old. Birthdays are the best days ever, so celebrate each one with everything you got, and more.

When we’re young, we want tickets to our favorite movie, concert, or sports team. As soon as we’re adults, scratch tickets will do. I hope you win big today, whatever that may mean.

I hope your birthday sparkles like a bottle of top-shelf champagne! There’s truly never enough champagne to go around on a day as special as yours…

If you ever get trick candles on your cake, think of it as a good thing because that way, you can make more than one wish. Happy birthday!

My favorite way to celebrate the day is to blurt out the happy birthday song as loudly as I can while we are sitting in the dining room of a fancy restaurant. On the bright side, you get a standing ovation and free dessert!

On each birthday, what if we bought the same amount of cakes as our age instead of candles? There might be a bit of a problem down the road…

While some people dread birthdays, I must confess that I love mine so much, I become a one-man parade—even when it rains.

Life goes by quickly, but that’s okay; as long as it doesn’t go down as fast as martinis do, you’re probably doing things right. I raise my glass to you, happy birthday.

When I say I want my birthday to be priceless, I don’t mean “priced less.” Standards don’t have to shrink the way we do when we age! Happy birthday!

Guessing someone’s age on their birthday is almost as precarious as messing up the cake or getting the wrong gift.

When you said you’d like to have a birthday toast, I thought you meant jam on a warm piece of wheat bread…Here’s to you, with an extra side of butter!

Happy birthday to you and another full year of failing to dissuade you from doing wild—and potentially dangerous—things.

Happy birthday! I’ll be that one friend who doesn’t embarrass you by singing the whole song. Instead, I’ll be the one to tell all the terrible jokes while you open gifts.

They say that sharing is caring, but when it’s your birthday, you don’t have to share, nor do you have to care about keeping all the sweets to yourself.